Too much connection

I always try to connect with other people. i want to know what people think and i want to know what they want. but can focusing on other people go to far? i am concerned that ability to understand and connect with people can actually make people uncomfortable. i have ability to learn what's important to you and what you want yourself to be.

everyone has these dreams and goals but we also like to keep them private. when someone else becomes involved in your progress it creates a pressure and greater awareness.

there are also conversations that many people feel they can only have with themselves. we know our motivations, fears and obstacles. other people can be involved but motivation has to come from within.

when another person is involved in your own personal growth they have access to everything. this access and this knowledge makes them a personal embodiment of everything that you hide in your head. this person has to be able to handle this pressure and you have to be able to handle this person being what they are.

it creates a delicate dynamic and everyone has people in their lives who they allow in to some extent but everyone has their walls. i personally use different people for different parts to spread things out. it seems more fair to others, it focuses less on a single person and it creates natural boundaries.

regardless of who you choose though they will play a large role in your growth. i like to pick people who i see as quasi role models. if i want to be social then i work with a person who i think it good socially. whatever the case this network has an inpact; they may not be influential but they matter.

how will the story be told

By watching a group of friends move through it. we have a main character who leads our journey. he doesnt have strong preference for much and he is generally used as a vehicle to move the story. he can be thought of as on a journey. there is also one true focus of the story. this is the most interesting person in the group. we all find ourselves pulled into this persons life. there are also 2 minor character leads who serve as supporting cast.

The story is told in a first person but from different lead characters at different times. each chapter has a theme while continuing a 'serial-based' story throughout. this should feel like HIMYM does when the story has meaning. it doesnt have to be subtle, in the fact the idea is that from each real part of the serial a 'conversation' is created. The exciting part of the format is that each character has a story. only when they do things together is there movement. this can occur in big chunks and then long breaks. it should feel like real life with your friends. the idea is that the world doesnt happen in real time. obviously we have the advantage of 'social-media' now to move the story sometimes but think about how often that really gives you all the details.

When the characters together the story is told 3rd person but it should just feel like i silent extra person was video-taping.

Defining yourself by who you surround yourself with

As a kid I remember my parents, grandparents, other kids' parents and generally every adult basing at least a small part of their opinion of another kid by 'who he surrounds himself with'. It's a strange thing to me that people would say 'i dont know this person too well so im going just tell you what i think of people they say they like'.

Recently i was around a cousin of mine who is now just becoming old enough to really be considered a 'conscious' person. i heard family members talking about how she has 'gotten better' and 'grown up to be better'. No fucking shit!?!? adults seem to love to evaluate kids and then be shocked when they are wrong. who i am at age 10 has nothing to do with who i am at age 14 or 18. who a kid is one day can change at any time!

I remember even feeling like I had to make sure not to ever screw up. i knew i was gonna do some dumb things but i figured that was about all i was allowed. i often find myself doing things that get me into trouble by accident. if i ever had a chance to do anymore i would but i figured i didnt. All i could do was try to be perfect all the time to make up for my mistakes. sounds a lot like being catholic, but it also applies to jews.

I also couldnt have my friends screwing up. i had enough to worry about with my own problems and i couldnt be taking on others'. so i have always tried to pick my friends wisely. i want to be around people that not only do adults like but also the kids. i assumed that other kids were like adults. whats funny is that their not and only today am i finally old enough that the other 'kids' are actually adults.

More than even friends we truely define ourself with who we choose to date at any time.

Becoming who you want to be

Concept - From the time you graduate college until about about age 30 everyone chases a dream of how great they can be. you still have potential until that certain moment when you dont anymore. you can even have second chances and you can have ups and downs. Its not like you're locking yourself in and guaranteeing success. it's just a milestone when who you are changes and what you think about yourself is different.

3 Pillars

During the time after college you are forced to create a new life yet again. This time it's actually a little different than it has been before. I distinctly remember arriving at college and telling myself that I needed to remember that the reason i was there was to graduate. it was rather simple to create a list of priorities and decide what came first. in fact until the time i graduated college (mostly because of my parents) i had always been operating under the premise that school was the most important thing in my life. i had to make sure that i didnt do anything to jeopardize my academic future. i never spent time studying or worrying about school but i had to make sure i didnt do anything to create problems.

once you graduate its rather ironic how the most important thing suddenly drops off the list altogether. the items that were next on the list were things like making money, friends, and getting girl to like me. i naturally just slid them all up the list and they are what has create the pillars of my life ever since. I have now spent the 5 years since college trying to figure out how to prioritize those 3 things and how to maximize my happiness by using them.

Making money is important and i am willing to admit it. I dont get pride out of having a large number show up on a secure website, but once the number gets above a certain threshold i know i have nothing to worry about. To me money isnt something that can make me happy but no money is something that can make me not happy. money to me is also directly related to my job and as a bonus sometimes my job can actually make me happy. Now this is the first part of the theory of three pillars. many people, especially young people, think that you can gain happiness by focusing on your job. I believe that this approach is like putting all your weight on 1 leg of a chair. You are relying on 1 thing for your all your happiness. Thats a lot of pressure for 1 thing and i think in the end it just wont be good enough.

Another popular approach is people who like to talk about 'work/life balance'. this is actually just a nice way of saying that my life is more important than my job. this is actually better than just focusing on your job, your life is more involved, but there are some downsides. the biggest issue is that you are completely eliminating something that could be a positive factor in your life. so youll be spending exactly 40 hours every week simply wasting your time on something you dont care about. This approach will have the same impact on making you hate your job. No matter how great this method seems it destroys the actual balance that it claims to foster.

Now lets just hammer out the whole outside-of-work life thing. Even if you have the job part down and you understand you cant spend all your time at work you still have some pitfalls to avoid. Again there are 2 camps and neither 1 is any good; you can be 'focused on yourself and finding a girl/boy will happen' or 'at a point where i would like to find someone'. If youre not looking for someone then you probably arent going to find anyone. everything in life requires effort and the best way to meet people is through friends. But remember if you dont actually have a boy/girlfriend you are going to be relaying on those friends for a lot. I would argue if you have balanced work and friends you can have a pretty life going. However, without the significant other you are going to feel like something is missing. If your focused on finding the boy/girlfriend that can be a lot worse. doing this will lead to a lot of compromises like neglecting work or friends. Oh and just like everything else putting this kind of pressure on just that one person is going to ruin the relationship.

You've probably noticed a theme repeating here; dont put all your eggs in 1 basket. so you are best served by spreading your risk and creating a full support system. Thus the 3 pillars which create the support system. Job, Relationship, and Friends. Dont put too much weight on any pillar and dont neglect any pillar. stay vigilant and remember that you can always take stock of your life and refocus yourself.